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Monday, September 08, 2008

For the third year running, I am old as dirt

For the past two years I have spent the first Monday of the school year giving my crotchety old man ponderings of the MTV Video Music Awards. In recent years it has become impossible to ignore my exit from the channel's target demographic, which probably makes the fact that I spend over two hours watching it every year even more funny. Or pathetic.

Presented below, the uncut jottings of my Moleskine as the show aired last night. Without photos of course, because Rogers still won't let me upload. That's the cable provider, not the EiC.

Click here to continue reading this post.

--The preshow has spent 60 per cent of its airtime trying to convince me of how awesome this show is.

--And here comes the super exciting, legendary opening! So wait, am I to believe Britney Spears does her own makeup? Jonah Hill is playing Seth from Superbad again, but I suppose that's fine. I think Cera's the one winning member of that duo. Pity us poor fat boys.

--And Britney's big moment to kick off the show is....introducing Rhianna? Still, she managed to walk to the stage and form complete sentences, so she's having a better year than '07.

--On Rhianna:
Lady Trail: "Her outfit makes her thighs look giganto.'
PT: 'I'm sick of people riffing on Thriller, they been doing it for twenty-five years.'
LT: 'I swear I just saw Ashlee Simpson singing back-up.'
PT: 'Step up from shilling back to school fashions for Zeller's.'

--Lady Trail's reaction to Russell Brand: 'Hello, Amy Winehouse.'

--Very disappointed house band is not DJAM and the band Travis.

--Britney wins best female. Huh. Thanks her kids for inspiring her everyday. That she's allowed to see them. Ba-dum, pssssh.

--Can someone find Travis Barker a band to play in? Please?

--Russell Brand has a gift for hyperbole like no one I've ever seen. Is this his gimmick, then?

--Leona Lewis and Lil Wayne: the new Beyonce and Jay-Z?

--Lady Trail on Lil Wayne: 'Yerrrr classy. Grab yer balls some more.'
PT: 'Rappers with string sections are officially over. Someone draft a memo.'

--The Jonas Brothers look like they're playing on Sesame Street.

--Lindsay Lohan's reading that teleprompter awful fast. What makes somebody act tetchy and sped up? Hmmm...

--Did they upgrade the redhead in the Pussycat Dolls? She looks like a younger model.

--While I wouldn't consider myself a fan, at least Paramore is bringing some energy do this funeral. I mean, look how small the venue is. Smaller venue = less fans = less energy = boring.

--Foo Fighters lose to Linkin Park. Could have been worse.

--Did TI really sample the Numa Numa song?

--Aguilera gives a wicked performance [even if it was synched] and she gets no love from MTV. Britney stays upright for thirty seconds and they treat her like she's descended from royalty. Someone got a cheque for this one.

--Katy Perry not having a good night, as the Deegan Effect gives Tokio Hotel People's Choice.

--Why is Lupe Fiasco performing during bumpers?

--Not that the show had any integrity to begin with, but three awards for Britney Spears leaves not even a shred of doubt how rigged they are. At least back in the day, Video of the Year could be actually depended on to honour the best video of the frigging year! I had my money on Ting Tings. But trailer mom gets it, and for what? So this show can try to posit itself as the catalyst for Britney's glorious comeback that she was supposed to have last year? Did MTV just host a five million dollar do-over??

--You know I love Kanye. You know I love Kanye. But that song was wack. In a different context it might work, but not this one. Just didn't seem like his heart was into it.

--Now everyone wants to talk about Brand's salacious monologue. So he talked about Palin's pregnant kid, and tweaked the Jonas Brothers for pledging virginity. La dee dah, is this not what every rock snob and Democrat has been doing for the past two weeks to six months anyway?

And Jordin Sparks, I like you baby, I wanted you to win Idol two years ago, but sex =/= slut. Way to further enforce that particular slippery sexual landscape for young girls.

So that's it, Windsor. It was an utterly pisspoor affair this year. A tiny, small feeling effort with a startling lack of real star power, instead going after the tweeny demo which is the network's bread and butter these days. When Drake and Josh are introducing Kid Rock, something has gone horribly wrong with the world, Windsor.

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